Category: humor
Lee Camp: Why Biden’s choice to bomb outer space is so damn exciting
worker | April 2, 2021 | 6:50 pm | humor, Joe Biden | Comments closed

Lee Camp: Why Biden’s choice to bomb outer space is so damn exciting

Lee Camp: Why Biden’s choice to bomb outer space is so damn exciting
At a time of unprecedented crises, what Americans and the world need most is obviously another arena for humans to annihilate each other in.

This article was originally published by ScheerPost.

President Biden has announced he will be continuing to build Donald Trump’s Space Force — an idea Trump probably dreamed up while high on some bizarre pills his special “doctor” gave him and had left the rubber cement jar open on his desk. The Space Force is the new branch of our military designed to conquer and kill things in outer space. That might not be word-for-word from their mission statement, but I’d wager it’s close. Pretty sure their jackets say, “Let’s kill some shit in space.” And, let’s face it — we don’t know what’s in outer space. But whatever it is, we know it needs to be killed.

Before you ask — Yes, Space Force is exactly what humanity desperately needs right now. Having spent millions of years killing and conquering and torturing each other here on the terra firma, I think we’re all feeling kinda claustrophobic and bored. I think we all want to get out into the wide open infinite territory of the great and awesome cosmos and murder our fellow humans there, for a change. (If anyone’s wondering, the answer to the Fermi Paradox — Where are all the aliens? — is that all intelligent civilizations eventually develop the technology to kill themselves at the push of a button. Eventually someone, well, pushes the button. … His name is usually Tony.)

Space Force is also just the thing Americans need right now because our infrastructure is collapsing, our environment is struggling, our political system is only a half goose-step away from fascism, and our spiritual health is blinking red “ALERT.” Most of us can’t figure out a purpose for life other than just cleaning out the industrial pork-smasher in the back of Taco Bell. So considering how well things are going in this — the number one country on the planet — it’s time to expand to greener pastures (which are mostly pitch black). It’s time to expand into the Milky Way in order to grow our parasitic, deadly socioeconomic system. (I’m pretty sure MLK Jr. said something similar, not in a speech but in a diner in Tennessee.)

ALSO ON RT.COMBattle for the galaxy: New paper reveals how UK is making extensive plans for war in spaceAnd think about it — ever since the maiden rocket escaped Earth’s atmosphere and explored space for the first time, most of the discussion, thought, preparation, and planning we’ve done has been… well… positive and cooperative. It’s almost exclusively been about discovery and exploration and science and knowledge. You know — all that wussy shit. We have not spent enough time really looking into how we can kill a lot of people from space. I mean, sure, our Pentagon has always had a few blueprints lying around that say, “Maybe we could shoot Russians with moon lasers,” but for the most part, we’ve had cooperation at the International Space Station, and we’ve celebrated space exploration as human beings rather than just stewing in fury that the Chinese achieved something or the Russians did something. Enough of this “Kumbaya let’s all live together in harmony” horseshit! I agree with Joe Biden — it’s high time we got into the killing mood.

We need more guns and bombs, and nuclear shit (strapped to robots, of course). That’s the only way we’ll achieve peace.

The nuclear weapons we have here on Earth would only allow for the full destruction of humanity a few hundred times over. A study found that if 100 nuclear weapons were used, the environmental destruction to the planet would be immense — wiping out most life, obviously including the countries who SHOT the weapons. All it would take is 100 nuclear bombs to truly ruin everything humans have ever known.

Yet, humanity now owns roughly 13,000 nukes (as the kids call them) — most of those are in the US and Russia.

I say “roughly 13,000” because who knows where EVERY nuclear bomb is. There’s probably a couple in some guy’s shed that he got from a yard sale outback a Waffle House in Quantico, VA. I mean, you can’t expect us to keep track of every single one. That requires paperwork and data entry. Who has the time?

Point being, we easily have enough nuclear bombs to kill humanity 150 times over, and Joe Biden’s actions make it clear that we need more. What if we wipe out life on Earth 150 times, and then want to keep going, huh? What then? You never know what mood we’ll be in at that point. I bet after watching several billion humans perish, you might be in a bit of a funk. And you might want a cigarette, a shot of strong whiskey, and to fire some nuclear fucking weapons! And maybe, just maybe, you want to fire them from space. And yet, if we don’t keep the Space Force going, you won’t be able to do that. And then how bummed will you be?!

ALSO ON RT.COMA giant leap for mankind? A joint China-Russia plan to build a station on the Moon is set to spark a new space war with AmericaIt’s time for humanity to find bold new areas of the galaxy wherein to murder each other. For all we know, when you shoot someone on Venus their body explodes into a thousand shards of blood and flesh (which sounds awesome), but we haven’t tried it yet because we’ve been too stingy to devote the resources to getting it done. Now is the time for that scientific endeavor.

I have an idea. Maybe once we funnel even more funds into our new Space Force, we can bomb climate change into submission. Has anyone thought of that? It’s worth a try. You know what they say, “When your only tool is a hammer… every problem can totally be bombed!”

Point being, I want to say thank you, President Biden. Thank you for pushing us ever closer to extinction — in a unique and interesting way, you belligerent, warhawk, senile old bag of wrinkles.

Our government spends trillions upon trillions of dollars on various wars and war zones — recently adding outer space to the list — and meanwhile regular people, here on the ground, continue to suffer immensely.

One in three Americans had trouble paying their bills last year — but we’re sending guns to outer space.

Tens of millions have lost their employer-based health care coverage since the pandemic began — but we’re sending guns to outer space.

We can’t get vaccines and treatments to people who desperately need them during a pandemic — but we can get guns to outer space! …And at the end of the day, isn’t that all that matters?


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The statements, views and opinions expressed in this column are solely those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of RT.

Pranksters Lure Top Ukrainian MP Into 40-Min Talk With ‘NATO’ Phone Recording
worker | January 2, 2018 | 7:39 pm | humor, Russia, Ukraine | Comments closed

Pranksters Lure Top Ukrainian MP Into 40-Min Talk With ‘NATO’ Phone Recording

An old telephone in a museum

Pranksters Lure Top Ukrainian MP Into 40-Min Talk With ‘NATO’ Phone Recording

© Flickr/ Spoilt.exile

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A pair of famous Russian telephone pranksters known for fooling politicians worldwide has struck again, this time duping Ukrainian parliament speaker Andriy Parubiy.

Vladimir ‘Vovan’ Kuznetsov and Alexei ‘Lexus’ Stolyarov, two Russian comedians who have gained global notoriety for telephone antics involving politicians including US UN ambassador Nikki Haley, Congresswoman Maxine Waters, Senator John McCain, and Ukrainian President Petro Poroshenko, have set their sights on a new target, Ukrainian neo-Nazi party founder-turned senior lawmaker Andriy Parubiy.

Posing as NATO Parliamentary Assembly President Paolo Alli, whose voice they were able to record earlier, the pair of jokers fooled Parubiy into speaking for 40 minutes straight to a robot consisting of prerecorded audio clips on some very serious topics.

“The automated robot consisted of phrases from the head of the parliamentary assembly. We played them one by one to Parubiy and his translator. He didn’t realize over the course of 40 minutes that he was speaking to a recording, and gave responses to it,” Stolyarov explained.The main topic on the agenda was a referendum in Ukraine regarding the country’s bid for entry into the NATO alliance. Vovan and Lexus’ Alli ‘told’ Parubiy that the alliance was not exactly thrilled with the referendum idea, since NATO was not exactly popular among Ukrainians and there was a danger that it could fail.

The lawmaker cautiously and repeatedly assured ‘Alli’ that Kiev would be certain to consult with its Western partners ahead of time, and at the moment there are no concrete plans to hold a referendum.

Ukrainian Prime Minister Volodymyr Groysman (L) and Andriy Parubiy, chair of the Ukrainian Parliament, hold bouquets of red roses during a parliamentary session in Kiev on April 14, 2016
Ukrainian Prime Minister Volodymyr Groysman (L) and Andriy Parubiy, chair of the Ukrainian Parliament, hold bouquets of red roses during a parliamentary session in Kiev on April 14, 2016

“At this stage, the idea of a referendum, voiced by President Poroshenko, is just an idea; we have not launched any organizational processes in this respect,” Parubiy stressed. The politician assured ‘Alli’ that the referendum will continue to be discussed by experts and would be contingent on the position of the NATO Parliamentary Assembly.

Soon after, Alli’s ‘assistant’ joined the conversation, warning Parubiy of a new dangerous kind of “Russian aggression” in the form of a viral internet casino commercial featuring rapper Vitya AK-47. An oblivious Parubiy responded that he had not heard of this potential threat.

Vovan and Lexus’ conversation with the notorious Ukrainian politician is not their first appearance in the media spotlight. The pair garnered the attention of media worldwide last week after calling US UN Ambassador Nikki Haley posing as Polish Prime Minister Mateusz Morawiecki. During the course of the phone call, the pranksters asked Haley’s opinion on the fictional South China Sea island nation of Binomo, saying that the Russians may have meddled in the island state’s elections, to which Haley replied “of course they did!” Haley also promised to look into a nonexistent claim by President Poroshenko that Kevin Spacey had harassed him in 2015.


DPRK will Land On the Sun In 2028 (Joke)
worker | September 24, 2017 | 8:23 pm | Donald Trump, DPRK, humor | Comments closed

The DPRK announced that they plan to land on the sun in 2028. This means that North Korea plans to land on the sun in 10 years.

Kim Jong-un was asked about this projected accomplishment. The interviewer asked him how they were going to accomplish this since the sun is so hot.

After thinking for a moment, Kim Jong-un replied that they would land at night.

His supporters responded with thunderous applause.

Donald Trump was asked about the projected accomplishment of Kim Jong un. He replied “That idiot! Everyone knows that there is no sun at night!”

His supporters responded with thunderous applause.


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Someone finally put Trump in his proper place!
worker | March 15, 2017 | 9:23 pm | Donald Trump, humor | Comments closed
Trump in his proper place

Trump in his proper place

Oval Office Cold Open-SNL
worker | February 5, 2017 | 9:54 pm | Donald Trump, humor | Comments closed

What is a Canadian?
worker | January 14, 2017 | 6:30 pm | Canada, Health Care, humor, Texas "Open Carry" | Comments closed


Happiness in the work place (humor)
worker | January 1, 2017 | 1:50 pm | humor | Comments closed

Sunday January 01, 2017

Thank you for voting.
 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

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Catbert: The one called Dilbert is showing signs of happiness at work. Boss: That means we can give him more work and he won’t quit. Excellent. Is anyone else exhibiting signs of unauthorized happiness? Catbert: No. Everyone else is in the narrow band of misery you want them to be in. If they were any happier, it would mean you’re overpaying them. If they were any less happy, the would take their own lives. If you don’t hear any laughing or screaming, it means you’re doing something right. Boss: What about moans? Catbert: Moans are ideal. That’s the sweet spot.

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